So here I am 38 and finally at that point in life when I am so exhausted and unhappy of being exhausted and unhappy. Not a nice point to be at but probably a point I needed to get to in order to realise that I need to break the cycle and start living life instead of just existing in a sort of groundhog day bubble. In a strange sort of way I sort of feel lucky to have reached this low point and realised I have to do something, if I hadnt I may have still been muddling through and oblivious to the fact that I was living life in a half hearted manner and never given myself this opportunity to fix myself to live the fullest life possible.
I don’t have a particularly awful life in fact I am probably very lucky in that I have 3 beautiful healthy children, a supportive and loving partner, a lovely family and some fantastic friends. We have a roof over our heads and live in a beautiful part of the world. There is lots we dont have and there has been lots of struggles and testing times along the way – in fact am currently going through a very testing time but who doesnt have these. My issue is that even when things are going well I am still unable to be truly happy and still have this real disconcerting feeling of unrest. I have spent most my life trying to fix this by focusing on what I don’t have and obsessing over it … trying to find ways to get it (ludicrous really when you don’t really know what “it” is) this has led to diet after diet because I thought if I was slim everything would fit into place … I have been slim it didn’t fix the issue and now all the constant dieting has led to is having been every size from an 8 to a size 22 over the last 20 years and no difference in my levels of contentedness regardless of which size I am at. I have a condition called trichtofillomania which is where I pull my hair out … I have had this since I was about 13/14 and again I always thought if I could beat this and wear my hair down life would be perfect … I managed to be relatively pull free for a few years I wasnt any happier I still didnt feel fulfilled. Being able to wear my hair down didn’t make everything else fall magically into place. I thought if I could get a career I felt proud of and paid well and I wasnt letting my daughters down I would feel happy … again I did this and surprise surprise no difference I still wasnt happy. I have blamed my past, people in the past, the way I look, my situation, my lack of job or career, where I live, you name it over the years I have blamed everything and everyone for my inability to be happy until now. The difference is now I have reached a point where I have exhausted every single possibility for blame apart from myself and I have reached the conclusion that I am to blame and I feel so lucky to have realised this as it now means I can work on this and fix it.
I am the only person responsible for my happiness … of course it is affected by outside influences and they certainly play a part but its my job to ensure that I am strong enough and resilient enough to withstand whatever life may throw at me, to be able to appreciate the little things however bad things may get, its my job to take all of the bad stuff that has happened and let it make me stronger not break me down, its my job to make myself happy. Not only this but as a mum its my responsibility to ensure my girls see me setting this as an example and learning from this.
Coming to this realisation has been a very long road and now I am there its a complete revelation. I feel I am finally seeing the world through new eyes which is amazing and so enlightening.
The question of course is now how on earth do I begin to do this and thats as scary as it is exciting. Its also where this blog comes into play as I document my journey to finding the answer to this.