Lately life has been pretty good. Most days have been good days and I have managed to stay one step ahead of my anxiety and depression. With me it is more anxiety that then tends to lead to depression. Once I let that teeniest bit of anxiety in it seems to be a downward spiral. One anxious day has led to weeks of utter despair and a level of lowness (if that is even a word … if not it should be) that has to be experienced to be believed. It’s the low of knowing you have beautiful children yet you can’t enjoy them because you don’t deserve them. By being near to you somehow they will “catch” your illness and you love them too much to put them through that. So you distance yourself, you build bridges, you stop being there emotionally … not because you don’t care you do it because you care too much. To a lesser degree you do this to everyone friends, family, acquaintances at this point in this horrendous illness the main aim is cutting yourself off from everyone you ever cared about or cared about you. Don’t forget you think you deserve no one and even if you did you don’t want anyone getting involved in this. It’s fairly easy at times to put on a front to those you don’t know but pretending to those people who do know you is so much harder. You get cold, you get calculated. This isn’t you it’s your illness only you are too poorly to see it. You let your illness define you, you let it destroy the relationships with loved ones you want and need. You turn into the monster that your illness has made you believe you are. You are not that monster by the way. You are you still … you are just poorly. You need help and you deserve help. If any of this resonates with you please get help and get back to living life as you not the person depression and anxiety turned you into. Don’t let it win. You are stronger than your illness. You are you and you and the people around you deserve you to live your life as you and not a poorly version of you.